Archive for Radical Self-Acceptance

What is Shadow Work® and How is it Relevant to You?

Are you drawn to the term Shadow Work®, but realize that you don’t really understand what it means or how it would be relevant to you? Consider for a moment that you came into this world with a full range of self expression: frustration, sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, joy, delight, sensuality, sexuality, and so much more. Now consider that there are ways that our environment reflects that certain aspects of our self-expression are desirable and others are not. As young ones (even into adolescence), we are dependent on our parents/ caregivers for meeting our basic needs which include food and shelter but also love and validation. Our brains have a built-in survival mechanism that helps us adapt to our environment in order to foster more experiences of feeling safe (ie. getting our needs met) and fewer experiences of feeling unsafe.

Through the perspective of our young brains we make subconscious decisions as children to edit out the parts of our self expression that don’t seem to help us feel more love and safety. This process looks different in each of us. We may edit out our expression of sadness or fear or anger. We may even come to the conclusion that being joyful has a negative response from our environment. These parts of ourselves that we decide to limit become part of our shadow when we cast them into the darkness of our unconscious and try to keep them out of the light of consciousness. When shadow aspects of ourselves are deemed truly dangerous to our safety as children, we can push them so far beneath conscious awareness that we lose the ability to access even the positive aspects of those qualities. When anger goes into shadow, we may lose our ability to maintain healthy boundaries. When fear goes into shadow, we can lose our capacity to be discerning of what is and isn’t safe. When sadness enters shadow, we may lose our ability to process emotion effectively and can become depressed or have difficulty forming attachments with others. These are only a few examples of the kinds of dynamics that can occur. This process is unique for each person based on our familial dynamics and the way we respond to them.

So what does Shadow Work® do about these difficult internal dynamics? To begin with, it helps to make them conscious. Identifying different aspects of oneself and the conflicting values, messages, and desires they carry can be very enlightening for someone who has been feeling stuck and unable to make change. If someone is struggling to set boundaries in their life, recognizing that they have a part* of themselves that learned early in life to be accommodating in order to get love can be very helpful. So often we become very critical of the aspects of ourselves that seem to keep us stuck and feel like they contribute to further suffering in our lives. Coming to understand that these aspects of ourselves formed to protect us from hurt and help us get our needs met can help us to be more compassionate and gentle with ourselves. Have you ever noticed that the more you resist and judge a certain aspect of yourself, the more it seems to stubbornly hold on? This is often because these parts of ourselves believe they are essential for our safety and well-being. The more we can recognize these parts for what they are and honor them for the job they’ve done for us, the more they may be willing to evolve into ways of being that are more suitable for our current needs and desires. Shadow Work® offers some very effective tools for creating a productive dialogue with these inner protectors to help them make these shifts.

There are many different directions that Shadow Work® offers once the dynamics underlying a particular issue are clearly recognized. These include processes to help a person develop greater self-compassion and self-acceptance, set boundaries (either internally or with others), shift harmful patterns that have been passed down in a family lineage, or create greater trust, safety and support within themselves and with the world around them.

One of the things that I most appreciate about the Shadow Work® modality I learned is that it is deeply rooted in practices that focus on healing shame. Many psychological approaches can create a polarization between desirable and undesirable qualities, inadvertently leading a person to view certain aspects of themselves as bad. Through cultivating understanding that all aspects of ourselves developed for a reason, Shadow Work® keeps us from furthering this kind of self-judgment that can often be linked with shame. If you would like to learn more about Shadow Work®, you can find the website here. I would love to hear your comments below about what this article brought up for you.

*When Shadow Work® talks about parts, it does not mean that someone is dissociative or has multiple personalities. In Shadow Work®, it is seen as normal that we all have multiple aspects of ourselves that formed at different stages of our development.

Cultivating Gratitude: Receiving the Goodness of Life

On this Thanksgiving holiday I want to share my favorite gratitude practice for receiving the goodness of life. Did you know that the human brain is programmed to recognize negative experiences far more than positive ones? Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD writes that a positive experience needs to be held in awareness for 5-20 seconds in order to register in our emotional memory while a negative experience registers instantly. While this is an adaptive function based on physical survival, it can also lead to feeling caught in challenging emotions without being able to access a balance of joy. Luckily we can intentionally choose to notice positive experiences in order to more fully receive the good in our lives.

One of my favorite practices is called “Gratitude Notes.” Connecting with a sense of gratitude is a powerful way of focusing attention on the positive. This practice is so simple yet I have found it to be profoundly supportive in my own life. When I notice that I am feeling down or glum about life, I often resurrect this practice and find that within a few days my outlook on life changes.

All you need to start is a pad of sticky notes and a pen. I find that I enjoy the process more when I have a special pen solely devoted to this purpose.

I write my gratitude notes at the end of day just before bed. It only takes a couple of minutes. I write three gratitudes, one per sticky note. I start each note with the words “I am grateful for…” and then add something specific that I feel good about from that day.

Here are some examples of my recent gratitudes. I keep my gratitude notes on the lamp beside my bed because they stick best there. It is wonderful to wake up and see all of these reminders. I let the notes accumulate for a few days and then take them down and start anew.

So, if you feel you could benefit from a little more awareness of the goodness in your life, I encourage you to give this practice a try. If you do, I’d love to hear how it goes for you!

Lastly, see below for some special Thanksgiving gratitudes about what I feel most grateful for in my life today. How about you? What do you feel most grateful for in your life today?

Thank you for taking the time to read my Thanksgiving thoughts. Thank you for playing a role in the growth and success of my psychotherapy practice. And thank you for all of the large and small ways that your presence brings more goodness into the world.

The Gifts of Fear: Making Friends with the Enemy

Fear is one of the most primal emotions but it can get a bad rap. Intrinsic to the drive for survival, it propels the fight/ flight/ freeze response of the nervous system. The physical sensations (increased heart rate, muscular tension, shortness of breath) that many people attribute to anxiety are actually the body readying itself to flee from an attack. Similarly, feeling numb or emotionally shut down can be linked with the freeze response that causes predators to overlook potential prey. Unfortunately, these impulses for self-preservation are often seen as problematic symptoms and are not recognized for their biological origins.

While fear is a natural emotion in an uncertain world, people can sometimes view it as a weakness or a lack of emotion. In many ways, we are a culture that is phobic of fear. There are familial, societal, and spiritual messages that advocate controlling it, choosing love over fear, or “the only thing to fear is fear itself.” While there can be value in these messages, they also push this emotion further into the shadows, making it something to be condemned rather than honored for the important role it plays.

Mindfulness and Shadow Work® both offer a different perspective, one in which fear is a valid emotion that deserves to be honored and respected. Fear shows up when there is a lack of safety and as such, it is an important warning sign. Most of us have core parts of ourselves that originated in childhood as patterns of thought and behavior to try to keep ourselves safe in the world. As we mature and seek to grow and expand in our lives and relationships, these patterns of fear can seem like obstacles that keep getting in our way. The wisdom of Shadow Work® offers a way of honoring and dialoguing with these protective parts of ourselves so that they can learn to care for us in new and more effective ways. Mindfulness offers practices for finding more acceptance of the physical experience of fear without getting caught up in fearful thoughts and beliefs.

The next time you feel frustrated with a way that fear is showing up in your life, take time to reflect on where it came from and the protective role that it may have been playing in your life for a long time. Next take time to honor this part of you for the ways it has been caring for you. Finally, update this part of you about how it could adapt its’ strategy to better care for you at this current stage of your life. If the experience of fear feels overwhelming to you, try focusing your attention on your breath and your physical environment as a way to disengage from the fearful thoughts occupying your mind. Set the intention to be open and curious about the sensations you are experiencing while staying connected to your breath. If you’d like to learn more about Shadow Work® or mindfulness I recommend shadowwork.com or the books and teachings of Pema Chodron or Tara Brach.

Inhabiting Healthy Anger

When I was little I would have temper tantrums- tiny fists beating on the floor, arms and legs flailing. My young self was declaring my right to exist in the only way I knew how. I still have a strong sense of self and a strong will and believe me, these have been challenging traits to live with at times. I have hurt people with my words and felt the shame of not being able to control myself better. I didn’t know that there were other ways to be angry, ways that could actually be live-giving rather than destructive.

As I started to work with mindfulness and Shadow Work® as part of my own healing journey, my relationship to anger changed. I learned that my anger was connected to a sense of protecting myself and claiming my right to my own feelings and desires. I also discovered that feeling angry is just a constellation of sensations and energies in the body. Through experiencing these sensations with a sense of presence, I gained a greater connection to my own power and passion. I came to understand how to offer attention to my anger without lashing out at others. I also learned to forgive myself for the times when I didn’t manage it all perfectly.

Since then I have worked with many people, across a spectrum of age and gender, to help them inhabit their anger in a healthy way. So many people are afraid of anger, their own or that of others. Many people have lost some of their own power and sense of self because they have been stuffing their anger down for a long time. Often people equate anger with actions and don’t know how to relate to their anger without doing something destructive. Others feel out of control of anger and find that it destroys relationships and creates shame. Many people have come to realize that even when they do their best to suppress anger, it sneaks out in other ways.

Reclaiming healthy anger connects us to the strength of the warrior archetype. It is so fulfilling for me to see people reinhabit this aspect of themselves. I see people transform as they claim greater groundedness, empowerment, clarity, and confidence. How do you relate to your anger at this point in your life? What gifts and/or power have you discovered in anger? What about anger scares you? What might be the costs in your life of not inhabiting healthy anger? I would love to hear your feedback. If you’re interested in exploring this topic with me further, consider signing up for my Radical Acceptance of Anger class coming up Monday, October 6th. Individual sessions are also a powerful way to explore anger.

Finding the Gold: How Chronic Pain Has Transformed My Life

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

It is a vulnerable thing to talk about pain. There can be such a fear of being seen as weak or defective. New Age philosophies can create a sense of shame for those with pain by proposing that we should be able to manifest perfect health with the right meditations, health practices, and positive affirmations. So here I am, at this precipice of truth-telling, ready to take these risks, ready to face this fear.

I have struggled with frequent headaches for the last 6 years. After devoting a great deal of money and time to trying to understand and heal the underlying cause(s), I have settled on a self-care regimen that works most of the time. I have also, after years of conflicting information, come to recognize that these migraines are linked to some genetic predisposition. I am (at the least) the third generation in my family to have them.

Last week I had a humdinger of a headache, brought on by travel, rich foods, and not enough sleep. As I lay there with an ice pack on my head, I started bargaining with my body, with any force outside of myself that might be able to do something. “Please,” I said, “please!” and I started listing off all the reasons I thought my plea was justified. I felt the energy of striving, of struggling against my experience, of feeling I deserved something different, that I shouldn’t be having the experience I was having. I noticed how this perspective kept me feeling like a victim, and how it took me away from the moment.

As I recognized the contraction this approach was creating, I decided to shift my outlook. I chose to turn towards what was real in that moment. I thought about all the societal expectations that were weighing on me- the fear of disappointing my friend, the idea that special-once-a-year-visits-with-friends are not supposed to look like this. And I surrendered. I felt the weight lift as I consented to receive this experience just as it was. If this was what this visit would be, then so be it. It felt better to meet reality on its own terms. As my mental chatter subsided, my attention came to rest on my experience in that moment. I felt the soothing coolness of the ice, the soft rhythm of my breath, the weight of my body. I breathed into my forehead, touching sensations of pressure and constriction. I allowed them to be there. Slowly a sense of expansion arose that felt a little bit pleasurable, even joyful. Just feeling myself existing in this body was a gift.

The experience started to become more easeful and I reflected on how much these migraines have taught me. I have had to slow way down, to be quiet for long periods of time. I have had to release so many beliefs about how my body is supposed to function, how I am supposed to be in control of my experience. I think that these headaches have been one of my greatest teachers about mindfulness. Over and over again they show me that life is so much more easeful when I meet it with openness and non-judgmental awareness.  Spending so much time being still has greatly enriched my relationship with my body and my capacity to feel tenderly towards myself. I have found this great sense of presence and aliveness that is more and more accessible whether my experience feels desirable or undesirable.

So, what adversity in your life is asking for your attention right now? What do you resist that might be asking for your acceptance? What might it be communicating to you? It seems that the challenging aspects of life often offer these hidden gifts. What gold have you found in the darkest moments? I would love to hear about your experiences including the parts that are still conflicted or confusing.

ReWilding Your Life One Choice at a Time

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~ Helen Keller

There are these choice points in life when we are faced with the option to take what feels like the safer path, or to follow something risky that calls to us from deep inside our hearts. I faced such a choice a couple weeks ago when I decided to take a 3 day solo backpacking trip in the Trinity Alps Wilderness. I wavered back and forth for weeks about whether I could face the risks of loneliness or physical danger that such a trip entailed for me. With time it became clear that my heart’s longing was to go. While I still felt anxious as the departure date neared, it became more and more clear that my soul was asking this of me, calling on me to take the risk in service of my great love for the wilderness. In making this choice, I had to face old belief systems about how women shouldn’t be alone in the world, about how the world is unsafe, especially for women. I had to rewild my ideas of what it means to be a woman in the world who loves the wilderness. I had to move through these limiting beliefs into a more wild truth: that I choose to live my life as a daring adventure, that I am willing to expose myself, body and soul, in order to make the most of this precious existence.

What I found out there in the mountains was such a great validation of this choice. Life answered me with a giant YES! I didn’t feel a moment of fear or loneliness once my feet hit that trail. I felt such a profound sense of contentment and joy from deep within my heart. There was a tremendous freedom for me out there in the wild. I felt a sense of great belonging and wholeness. I was so aware of the exposure of my little body in contrast to the vast landscape, of my small life compared to the scope of the earth’s story. And this recognition felt good. I saw myself as a spring wildflower, here to offer some small gift to the landscape of my life, and then to be plucked or to wither when the time comes.

So I invite you to consider the choices facing you now, and the wildness within you that calls for exposure. What is untamed in you that longs to be set free? What in you refuses to be bound by convention, by social norms and pressures? What does your soul long for? And what is one choice you can make right now to rewild your small and precious life? Perhaps your feet long to touch bare earth. Perhaps you have a song to sing or a dance to dance. Somewhere inside you know what wants to be chosen, and you know how your heart will sing when you take the risk to live this daring adventure.

Radical Acceptance: Who, What, When, Where, and especially Why?

WHO? Starting with yourself, and then expanding to loved ones, acquaintances, strangers, and ultimately to those with whom you have difficulty. Please note that this doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or mistreatment.

WHAT? Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach, PhD defines Radical Acceptance as the “willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is.” Radical Acceptance is a frame of mind as well as an embodied mindfulness practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” This means cultivating the willingness and capacity to experience your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations just as they are, without needing to avoid or distract from them. Instead of getting lost in never-ending trains of thought that perpetuate emotional distress, mindfulness offers a way of recognizing inner experience with more spacious awareness. While it may seem that just giving attention to your inner experience isn’t doing anything, more and more research studies are validating the power of this approach to create greater emotional well-being, resilience, physical health, more fulfilling relationships, and much more.
WHEN? As often as possible! You can practice when feeling sad, numb, anxious, angry, stressed, melancholy, or ashamed, or any time at all. Radical acceptance can be especially powerful when given to the parts of yourself that you most struggle against. It can also be a wonderful practice when feeling joy, peace, and relaxation as it serves to enhance these experiences and helps the brain to integrate them.
WHERE? You can practice radical acceptance anywhere you go. In the body, you will often find sensations and emotional energies in the belly, solar plexus, chest, throat, head, shoulders, arms, and hands. However anywhere in the body will do!

WHY? “What we resist persists.” ~Carl Jung

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” ~Steve Maraboli

Why so much focus on bodily sensations?

  • Physical sensations offer a way to focus awareness on our inner experience. They also provide a way to redirect attention from negative mind-loops to our actual felt experience. Emotions and thoughts often occur as reactions to physical sensations (though vice-versa can also be true). By becoming more comfortable with the diverse landscape of bodily experience, we can teach our minds that staying with our present moment experience can create more well-being than trying to think our way out of it.

Resisting inner experience is like adding fuel to the fire.

  • When we react to how we are feeling with thoughts that it is wrong or bad, this sends a signal to the nervous system that there is a threat. This sense of threat can then lead the mind into ruminative cycles that only create more focus on a sense of inner deficiency. Thus, reacting negatively to our own experience can further exacerbate whatever sense of discomfort was there to start with.

Sensations in the body just want to be felt.

  • I like to think of bodily sensations as aspects of ourselves from earlier times in our lives… this sense of fear… that fury in the belly… an ache in the heart. They are like children just wanting to be accepted and cared for. When we respond to them with care, curiosity, and acceptance, they often dissolve. It is important to note that this works best when there is true acceptance for the experience to be there as long as it wants or needs to be.
  • Turning towards your inner experience with openness, awareness, and acceptance helps cultivate a strong and compassionate relationship with yourself.

You are the one that you will be with through your entire life. Given this, wouldn’t you want to have a close and caring relationship with yourself?

  • Attending to how you feel and responding to your body and emotions with compassion and acceptance is what one would often want from a friend. By learning how to give that to yourself, you become one of the closest people in your own life. This can be very healing for people who struggle with a sense of loneliness or isolation.
  • So often we seek validation and acceptance from others while being very hard on ourselves . Dependence on external validation can create codependent relationships. Having those same qualities of care towards yourself can create both a more fulfilling life, and healthier relationships.

I hope you have found this article helpful and inspiring. I always enjoy hearing responses to my writing. If you have something you would like to ask or share, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment.

Warmly,
Asha

“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance. If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical Acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance.” ― Tara Brach

Walking My Talk: Adventures in Shame, Vulnerability, and the Space that Holds it All

I’m not sure where the message came from. It seems to just live in the collective soup of being a therapist. Something about not disclosing too much about oneself. Something about looking like you’ve got it all together. Or maybe the message is far more universal. Maybe I picked it up when I was two, or five, or nine. That one I just mentioned about looking like you’ve got it all together. Maybe you’ve got that message too?

My work, my passion is about radical acceptance. About fully embracing the messiness and rich beauty of being human. And yet I still at times feel like I need to present myself as if I’ve got it all figured out. I learned from Brene Brown, PhD that shame thrives in the dark and secret places of our lives, in our own hidden thoughts and self-doubts. I notice there are days when shame is present for me like a dull weight in my brain and body. Other days I notice how I feel without shame, the sense of lightness and tenderness for myself. Sometimes I feel strong enough to greet the shame, to sit with it and invite it to tea, to welcome the weight to be there as long as it needs to be. Other days the shame is so strong I want it gone. I strategize to figure out what I can do to rid my life of this all-consuming monster.

I can feel the vulnerability of writing these words. I hear the message in my brain that I shouldn’t reveal myself in this way, that it is too much, that it is unprofessional. And yet I want to be a voice of contradiction to the boxes we put ourselves in. I want to bust my own masks of cool, calm, and collected, to reveal the common humanity of struggle and imperfection. And in the midst of that very real place, I also want to say how much these practices of radical acceptance and mindfulness and shadow work have transformed my relationship with myself. Just to write these words is testament to that. As Pema Chodron says, it is like I am still standing in the waves but they appear smaller, and I know a little more than I used to that each one will pass and that change is the only constant. I have a tiny bit of perspective that I didn’t used to have, and I feel a little less urgent about getting anywhere else but here. And more often these days, these little bits are enough.

 

Consenting to Receive Ourselves Just as We Are

In her new book True Refuge, meditation teacher and psychotherapist Tara Brach talks about the practice of “consenting to receive” our experience just as it is. This consenting is really the true meaning of radical acceptance.

This morning as I sat in my morning meditation, I noticed a tension in myself of needing to push to market my upcoming talk on Radical Acceptance and the upcoming Creative Acts of Power workshop I am coleading.

In response to this contraction, I felt an inner prayer of offering myself and my gifts fully into the world and surrendering into however they want to be received. I also felt my willingness to consent to receive experiences that might feel like making mistakes or failing. Given how much I have historically worked hard to avoid such experiences, this felt like a revelation to me.

“I consent to receive making mistakes.” “I consent to receive feeling like a failure.” This consent felt like a great softening and the relief of that brought tears to my eyes.

There is so much talk about how to be happy, how to be awakened, how to “be love not fear.” I find for myself that so much of that creates an inner separation in which parts of my experience are good and desirable and others are bad and are to be avoided. That avoidance can then create self-judgment and the impulse to avoid my feelings. Instead, I am finding more and more freedom in the willingness to experience whatever is there. From this place I can bow to the contracted spaces inside myself. I can honor them and welcome them to be there because they are held within a beautiful spaciousness.

This is what my upcoming talk is about: Radical Acceptance Through Embracing Our Shadows. I would love to see you there and would also love if you could pass this email on to others in your life who might benefit from hearing about and experiencing these ideas. I only give these free talks a few times a year. I would like as may people as possible to be able to benefit from these ideas that have been so liberating for me!

This “consenting to receive” also shows up in our creative exploration. I believe every one of us has creative gifts that long to be expressed. It is a powerful thing to allow our creativity to move fully through us in its pure and raw form. My upcoming weekend retreat with artist Zoe Alowan (who also happens to be my beautiful mother) is a wonderful opportunity to feel the depth and power of our own self-expression. I hope you’ll check it out and also share it with others in your life who might benefit!

Lastly, I invite you to notice in the moments after reading this what aspects of your experience might be asking for acceptance. They are usually the feelings or sensations in our body that we are trying to avoid or escape from. When you notice them, I invite you to try this simple phrase “I consent to receive this …” I would love to hear how this simple practice impacts you!

Running from the Bogeyman

In every moment our inner world is active with emotions (joy, anger, sadness, and fear), thoughts about past and future, and sensations in our body (pressure, aching, spaciousness, expansion, etcetera).

Modern culture, the media, maybe our families, our jobs, sometimes our peers ask us to be productive and to fit into a box of what kinds of emotions and expressions are acceptable. We learn to avoid our internal experience in order to try to fit in.

But this comes at a cost. We become anxious about our fear, depressed about our sadness, enraged about our anger. We don’t learn how to “be” with ourselves, with our dynamic inner world. It becomes like the boogeyman in our closet and we run from it. We do this through all kinds of addictive behaviors- drugs, alcohol, food, sex, love, TV, movies, internet, Facebook, overwork, perfectionism, etc.

Mindfulness is about pausing the urgency to escape, without making those urges wrong or bad. It is about becoming aware of what drives our own running… learning how to sit in the discomfort of that urgency without needing to run anymore. Mindfulness is about being willing to experience pain in life, because pain is an inevitable part of being human. But it is also about moving away from suffering, because suffering is pain + the belief that our pain is wrong. When we learn to sit with the pain, the suffering eases.

Right now, as you are reading this, can you pause and feel into your body? Maybe close your eyes… Take a few breaths into your belly. And just notice what is there, inside. What emotions are you experiencing? What sensations are present in your body? You could ask yourself, “What is asking for acceptance right now?”  Can you welcome your experience, just as it is? And can you also give permission for the parts of you that want to change your experience, or to run away from it? As you move through your day today, I invite you to continue asking this question, “What is asking for acceptance right now?” This is a process of ever widening circle, allowing one part of yourself, one feeling to be okay and then another, and then another.

This is courageous work, to stop and turn to face ourselves in this way. And I believe that it is an essential part of returning to our own wholeness. I would love to hear about your explorations!