Archive for shadow work

What is Shadow Work® and How is it Relevant to You?

Are you drawn to the term Shadow Work®, but realize that you don’t really understand what it means or how it would be relevant to you? Consider for a moment that you came into this world with a full range of self expression: frustration, sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, joy, delight, sensuality, sexuality, and so much more. Now consider that there are ways that our environment reflects that certain aspects of our self-expression are desirable and others are not. As young ones (even into adolescence), we are dependent on our parents/ caregivers for meeting our basic needs which include food and shelter but also love and validation. Our brains have a built-in survival mechanism that helps us adapt to our environment in order to foster more experiences of feeling safe (ie. getting our needs met) and fewer experiences of feeling unsafe.

Through the perspective of our young brains we make subconscious decisions as children to edit out the parts of our self expression that don’t seem to help us feel more love and safety. This process looks different in each of us. We may edit out our expression of sadness or fear or anger. We may even come to the conclusion that being joyful has a negative response from our environment. These parts of ourselves that we decide to limit become part of our shadow when we cast them into the darkness of our unconscious and try to keep them out of the light of consciousness. When shadow aspects of ourselves are deemed truly dangerous to our safety as children, we can push them so far beneath conscious awareness that we lose the ability to access even the positive aspects of those qualities. When anger goes into shadow, we may lose our ability to maintain healthy boundaries. When fear goes into shadow, we can lose our capacity to be discerning of what is and isn’t safe. When sadness enters shadow, we may lose our ability to process emotion effectively and can become depressed or have difficulty forming attachments with others. These are only a few examples of the kinds of dynamics that can occur. This process is unique for each person based on our familial dynamics and the way we respond to them.

So what does Shadow Work® do about these difficult internal dynamics? To begin with, it helps to make them conscious. Identifying different aspects of oneself and the conflicting values, messages, and desires they carry can be very enlightening for someone who has been feeling stuck and unable to make change. If someone is struggling to set boundaries in their life, recognizing that they have a part* of themselves that learned early in life to be accommodating in order to get love can be very helpful. So often we become very critical of the aspects of ourselves that seem to keep us stuck and feel like they contribute to further suffering in our lives. Coming to understand that these aspects of ourselves formed to protect us from hurt and help us get our needs met can help us to be more compassionate and gentle with ourselves. Have you ever noticed that the more you resist and judge a certain aspect of yourself, the more it seems to stubbornly hold on? This is often because these parts of ourselves believe they are essential for our safety and well-being. The more we can recognize these parts for what they are and honor them for the job they’ve done for us, the more they may be willing to evolve into ways of being that are more suitable for our current needs and desires. Shadow Work® offers some very effective tools for creating a productive dialogue with these inner protectors to help them make these shifts.

There are many different directions that Shadow Work® offers once the dynamics underlying a particular issue are clearly recognized. These include processes to help a person develop greater self-compassion and self-acceptance, set boundaries (either internally or with others), shift harmful patterns that have been passed down in a family lineage, or create greater trust, safety and support within themselves and with the world around them.

One of the things that I most appreciate about the Shadow Work® modality I learned is that it is deeply rooted in practices that focus on healing shame. Many psychological approaches can create a polarization between desirable and undesirable qualities, inadvertently leading a person to view certain aspects of themselves as bad. Through cultivating understanding that all aspects of ourselves developed for a reason, Shadow Work® keeps us from furthering this kind of self-judgment that can often be linked with shame. If you would like to learn more about Shadow Work®, you can find the website here. I would love to hear your comments below about what this article brought up for you.

*When Shadow Work® talks about parts, it does not mean that someone is dissociative or has multiple personalities. In Shadow Work®, it is seen as normal that we all have multiple aspects of ourselves that formed at different stages of our development.

The Gifts of Fear: Making Friends with the Enemy

Fear is one of the most primal emotions but it can get a bad rap. Intrinsic to the drive for survival, it propels the fight/ flight/ freeze response of the nervous system. The physical sensations (increased heart rate, muscular tension, shortness of breath) that many people attribute to anxiety are actually the body readying itself to flee from an attack. Similarly, feeling numb or emotionally shut down can be linked with the freeze response that causes predators to overlook potential prey. Unfortunately, these impulses for self-preservation are often seen as problematic symptoms and are not recognized for their biological origins.

While fear is a natural emotion in an uncertain world, people can sometimes view it as a weakness or a lack of emotion. In many ways, we are a culture that is phobic of fear. There are familial, societal, and spiritual messages that advocate controlling it, choosing love over fear, or “the only thing to fear is fear itself.” While there can be value in these messages, they also push this emotion further into the shadows, making it something to be condemned rather than honored for the important role it plays.

Mindfulness and Shadow Work® both offer a different perspective, one in which fear is a valid emotion that deserves to be honored and respected. Fear shows up when there is a lack of safety and as such, it is an important warning sign. Most of us have core parts of ourselves that originated in childhood as patterns of thought and behavior to try to keep ourselves safe in the world. As we mature and seek to grow and expand in our lives and relationships, these patterns of fear can seem like obstacles that keep getting in our way. The wisdom of Shadow Work® offers a way of honoring and dialoguing with these protective parts of ourselves so that they can learn to care for us in new and more effective ways. Mindfulness offers practices for finding more acceptance of the physical experience of fear without getting caught up in fearful thoughts and beliefs.

The next time you feel frustrated with a way that fear is showing up in your life, take time to reflect on where it came from and the protective role that it may have been playing in your life for a long time. Next take time to honor this part of you for the ways it has been caring for you. Finally, update this part of you about how it could adapt its’ strategy to better care for you at this current stage of your life. If the experience of fear feels overwhelming to you, try focusing your attention on your breath and your physical environment as a way to disengage from the fearful thoughts occupying your mind. Set the intention to be open and curious about the sensations you are experiencing while staying connected to your breath. If you’d like to learn more about Shadow Work® or mindfulness I recommend shadowwork.com or the books and teachings of Pema Chodron or Tara Brach.

Inhabiting Healthy Anger

When I was little I would have temper tantrums- tiny fists beating on the floor, arms and legs flailing. My young self was declaring my right to exist in the only way I knew how. I still have a strong sense of self and a strong will and believe me, these have been challenging traits to live with at times. I have hurt people with my words and felt the shame of not being able to control myself better. I didn’t know that there were other ways to be angry, ways that could actually be live-giving rather than destructive.

As I started to work with mindfulness and Shadow Work® as part of my own healing journey, my relationship to anger changed. I learned that my anger was connected to a sense of protecting myself and claiming my right to my own feelings and desires. I also discovered that feeling angry is just a constellation of sensations and energies in the body. Through experiencing these sensations with a sense of presence, I gained a greater connection to my own power and passion. I came to understand how to offer attention to my anger without lashing out at others. I also learned to forgive myself for the times when I didn’t manage it all perfectly.

Since then I have worked with many people, across a spectrum of age and gender, to help them inhabit their anger in a healthy way. So many people are afraid of anger, their own or that of others. Many people have lost some of their own power and sense of self because they have been stuffing their anger down for a long time. Often people equate anger with actions and don’t know how to relate to their anger without doing something destructive. Others feel out of control of anger and find that it destroys relationships and creates shame. Many people have come to realize that even when they do their best to suppress anger, it sneaks out in other ways.

Reclaiming healthy anger connects us to the strength of the warrior archetype. It is so fulfilling for me to see people reinhabit this aspect of themselves. I see people transform as they claim greater groundedness, empowerment, clarity, and confidence. How do you relate to your anger at this point in your life? What gifts and/or power have you discovered in anger? What about anger scares you? What might be the costs in your life of not inhabiting healthy anger? I would love to hear your feedback. If you’re interested in exploring this topic with me further, consider signing up for my Radical Acceptance of Anger class coming up Monday, October 6th. Individual sessions are also a powerful way to explore anger.

Reflections on 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am feeling particularly enlivened and inspired as I start this year. This has been such a powerful year for me of CREATION. I finally took the plunge and developed my own business from the ground up. This has allowed me to offer the kind of work that most inspires and nourishes me. It feels amazing to really be offering my full gifts into the world. I just love the creativity and depth I get to bring into my individual work with clients and the classes and workshops I offer. The essence of my work is becoming more and more clear: Radical Acceptance Through Embracing Our Shadows. This phrase includes both Mindfulness and Shadow Work® and really speaks to the connection between the two.  You can check out my Free Talk at Ashland Public Library on February 3rd to hear more about what this phrase really means to me and how it is the essence of my work.

There is so much I am GRATEFUL for from this year. My family and friends have given hours of time and heaps of energy to help me think about my work and bring it out into the world. February 2013 saw the birth of a wonderful partnership with my mother, Zoe Alowan, in offering our newly created PaintDanceSing workshop. Our retreat was so well received that we offered two more within just a few months and are getting ready to offer our 4th retreat at the end of February. Our workshop has a new name- “Creative Acts of Power”- and is now open to all genders. The dates are February 28th-March 2nd. See the flyer below for more details!

I am also very grateful for all my clients this year. I have been so delighted to work with motivated adults who are willing to dive deep and explore their inner landscapes. It is a new experience for me to feel so greatly enlivened by my work. This is in large part due to the quality of the people I get to work with as clients.

I am grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had this year to share my passions with my community and for all of you who showed up to make these events a success.

– Public Talks at both the Ashland Public Library and the Ashland Food Co-op

– Sensuality workshop at Love Revolution

– Stress Management Class for SOU’s Music Department

– Monthly classes on Radical Acceptance and the Four Archetypes of Shadow Work®

– Three PaintDanceSing retreats

– My annual ReWilding the Body retreat

 

AND, I am so excited for these next steps for 2014:

  • A new website with a Blog
  • An interview in the February issue of the Locals Guide
  • Another Free Public Talk at Ashland Public Library

– The Creative Acts of Power Retreat in late February

– A new series of 1st Monday classes on Radical Acceptance of Our Emotions (Sadness, Joy, Anger, and Fear) starting in March

– 3rd Mondays Mindfulness Groups

– Developing and Facilitating an Online ReWilding the Body Course

– Offering Despair & Empowerment Groups in Joanna Macy’s tradition

– and much much more!