Archive for Emotions

What is Shadow Work® and How is it Relevant to You?

Are you drawn to the term Shadow Work®, but realize that you don’t really understand what it means or how it would be relevant to you? Consider for a moment that you came into this world with a full range of self expression: frustration, sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, joy, delight, sensuality, sexuality, and so much more. Now consider that there are ways that our environment reflects that certain aspects of our self-expression are desirable and others are not. As young ones (even into adolescence), we are dependent on our parents/ caregivers for meeting our basic needs which include food and shelter but also love and validation. Our brains have a built-in survival mechanism that helps us adapt to our environment in order to foster more experiences of feeling safe (ie. getting our needs met) and fewer experiences of feeling unsafe.

Through the perspective of our young brains we make subconscious decisions as children to edit out the parts of our self expression that don’t seem to help us feel more love and safety. This process looks different in each of us. We may edit out our expression of sadness or fear or anger. We may even come to the conclusion that being joyful has a negative response from our environment. These parts of ourselves that we decide to limit become part of our shadow when we cast them into the darkness of our unconscious and try to keep them out of the light of consciousness. When shadow aspects of ourselves are deemed truly dangerous to our safety as children, we can push them so far beneath conscious awareness that we lose the ability to access even the positive aspects of those qualities. When anger goes into shadow, we may lose our ability to maintain healthy boundaries. When fear goes into shadow, we can lose our capacity to be discerning of what is and isn’t safe. When sadness enters shadow, we may lose our ability to process emotion effectively and can become depressed or have difficulty forming attachments with others. These are only a few examples of the kinds of dynamics that can occur. This process is unique for each person based on our familial dynamics and the way we respond to them.

So what does Shadow Work® do about these difficult internal dynamics? To begin with, it helps to make them conscious. Identifying different aspects of oneself and the conflicting values, messages, and desires they carry can be very enlightening for someone who has been feeling stuck and unable to make change. If someone is struggling to set boundaries in their life, recognizing that they have a part* of themselves that learned early in life to be accommodating in order to get love can be very helpful. So often we become very critical of the aspects of ourselves that seem to keep us stuck and feel like they contribute to further suffering in our lives. Coming to understand that these aspects of ourselves formed to protect us from hurt and help us get our needs met can help us to be more compassionate and gentle with ourselves. Have you ever noticed that the more you resist and judge a certain aspect of yourself, the more it seems to stubbornly hold on? This is often because these parts of ourselves believe they are essential for our safety and well-being. The more we can recognize these parts for what they are and honor them for the job they’ve done for us, the more they may be willing to evolve into ways of being that are more suitable for our current needs and desires. Shadow Work® offers some very effective tools for creating a productive dialogue with these inner protectors to help them make these shifts.

There are many different directions that Shadow Work® offers once the dynamics underlying a particular issue are clearly recognized. These include processes to help a person develop greater self-compassion and self-acceptance, set boundaries (either internally or with others), shift harmful patterns that have been passed down in a family lineage, or create greater trust, safety and support within themselves and with the world around them.

One of the things that I most appreciate about the Shadow Work® modality I learned is that it is deeply rooted in practices that focus on healing shame. Many psychological approaches can create a polarization between desirable and undesirable qualities, inadvertently leading a person to view certain aspects of themselves as bad. Through cultivating understanding that all aspects of ourselves developed for a reason, Shadow Work® keeps us from furthering this kind of self-judgment that can often be linked with shame. If you would like to learn more about Shadow Work®, you can find the website here. I would love to hear your comments below about what this article brought up for you.

*When Shadow Work® talks about parts, it does not mean that someone is dissociative or has multiple personalities. In Shadow Work®, it is seen as normal that we all have multiple aspects of ourselves that formed at different stages of our development.

Searching for Happiness: Lessons from Tara the Rescue Dog

I brought home a shelter dog, Tara, in early January. She has been blessing and challenging me in powerful ways since then. All of my core wounds are being brought to the surface in this relationship~ dynamics of responsibility and projection, patience and control, commitment and ambivalence. So much of what I’m learning with Tara seems reflective of the challenges at the center of any relationship- with ourselves, our loved ones, and even with life itself. The powerful lesson here that keeps grabbing my attention is about how the external circumstances of our lives can never guarantee happiness.

These last ten weeks with Tara have been a roller coaster ride with highs of total delight in her sweetness and lows of feeling I’ve made a terrible mistake. When I slow down I notice a kind of obsessive questioning about whether or not she is making me happy. I am reminded of all the times I have had similar thoughts about other life circumstances (relationships, jobs, places to live). It is a kind of “grass is greener” syndrome, an urgency to surround myself only with things that make me happy, and to avoid anything that makes me unhappy. Can you relate? Perhaps this shows up for you in dissatisfaction with yourself or your relationships. Maybe you find yourself daydreaming about a future reality when everything will be better.

Sometimes, especially when there is some form of abuse present, it is essential to find a way to make a change. What I’m talking about is the suffering that comes from endlessly seeking something “out there” to make us happy. Every situation, every relationship, every choice in life comes with a mixed bag of joys and challenges. I find it is so easy for me to forget this, though, because of how much I want to maintain the fantasy of how good I will feel once I get that “thing” I’m seeking. It can become a kind of addiction…thinking about how good we will feel, using that imagined feeling to distract from life-as-it-is. In all that wanting there is often a great deal of suffering, a rejection of ourselves and our lives as we are.

I had quite a fantasy about how my life would be with Tara. Now I see that that’s a lot of pressure to put on another being to fulfill! Ten weeks into our journey, I’ve realized I need to lay that fantasy to rest. If I keep looking to Tara to make me happy (and never make me unhappy) I’m setting myself up for one struggle after another. She’s just a dog. A high energy, super affectionate, and sometimes anxious and reactive dog.

So what am I doing with all of this? I’m giving Tara a break. I’m surrendering a bit more to the choice I’ve made and to the imperfect and blessedly complex journey that will follow. I’m working on letting her be a dog, and I’m discovering a way to be at ease in the process. My hope for us, especially those of us with the conditioning of western culture, is that we can find a new kind of happiness. This happiness is simpler and more humble. It doesn’t demand ecstasy and bliss. It allows life to be more messy. And it finds that just being is enough, just enjoying the simple pleasures of our lives. These days I am finding how really being present can turn the mundane into something quite rich and nourishing. When I meet this moment as it is, whether in a conversation with a stranger or friend, playing with my dog, writing these words, drinking a glass of water, then all the stories about happy and unhappy fall away and just this… is enough.

Cultivating Gratitude: Receiving the Goodness of Life

On this Thanksgiving holiday I want to share my favorite gratitude practice for receiving the goodness of life. Did you know that the human brain is programmed to recognize negative experiences far more than positive ones? Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD writes that a positive experience needs to be held in awareness for 5-20 seconds in order to register in our emotional memory while a negative experience registers instantly. While this is an adaptive function based on physical survival, it can also lead to feeling caught in challenging emotions without being able to access a balance of joy. Luckily we can intentionally choose to notice positive experiences in order to more fully receive the good in our lives.

One of my favorite practices is called “Gratitude Notes.” Connecting with a sense of gratitude is a powerful way of focusing attention on the positive. This practice is so simple yet I have found it to be profoundly supportive in my own life. When I notice that I am feeling down or glum about life, I often resurrect this practice and find that within a few days my outlook on life changes.

All you need to start is a pad of sticky notes and a pen. I find that I enjoy the process more when I have a special pen solely devoted to this purpose.

I write my gratitude notes at the end of day just before bed. It only takes a couple of minutes. I write three gratitudes, one per sticky note. I start each note with the words “I am grateful for…” and then add something specific that I feel good about from that day.

Here are some examples of my recent gratitudes. I keep my gratitude notes on the lamp beside my bed because they stick best there. It is wonderful to wake up and see all of these reminders. I let the notes accumulate for a few days and then take them down and start anew.

So, if you feel you could benefit from a little more awareness of the goodness in your life, I encourage you to give this practice a try. If you do, I’d love to hear how it goes for you!

Lastly, see below for some special Thanksgiving gratitudes about what I feel most grateful for in my life today. How about you? What do you feel most grateful for in your life today?

Thank you for taking the time to read my Thanksgiving thoughts. Thank you for playing a role in the growth and success of my psychotherapy practice. And thank you for all of the large and small ways that your presence brings more goodness into the world.

The Gifts of Fear: Making Friends with the Enemy

Fear is one of the most primal emotions but it can get a bad rap. Intrinsic to the drive for survival, it propels the fight/ flight/ freeze response of the nervous system. The physical sensations (increased heart rate, muscular tension, shortness of breath) that many people attribute to anxiety are actually the body readying itself to flee from an attack. Similarly, feeling numb or emotionally shut down can be linked with the freeze response that causes predators to overlook potential prey. Unfortunately, these impulses for self-preservation are often seen as problematic symptoms and are not recognized for their biological origins.

While fear is a natural emotion in an uncertain world, people can sometimes view it as a weakness or a lack of emotion. In many ways, we are a culture that is phobic of fear. There are familial, societal, and spiritual messages that advocate controlling it, choosing love over fear, or “the only thing to fear is fear itself.” While there can be value in these messages, they also push this emotion further into the shadows, making it something to be condemned rather than honored for the important role it plays.

Mindfulness and Shadow Work® both offer a different perspective, one in which fear is a valid emotion that deserves to be honored and respected. Fear shows up when there is a lack of safety and as such, it is an important warning sign. Most of us have core parts of ourselves that originated in childhood as patterns of thought and behavior to try to keep ourselves safe in the world. As we mature and seek to grow and expand in our lives and relationships, these patterns of fear can seem like obstacles that keep getting in our way. The wisdom of Shadow Work® offers a way of honoring and dialoguing with these protective parts of ourselves so that they can learn to care for us in new and more effective ways. Mindfulness offers practices for finding more acceptance of the physical experience of fear without getting caught up in fearful thoughts and beliefs.

The next time you feel frustrated with a way that fear is showing up in your life, take time to reflect on where it came from and the protective role that it may have been playing in your life for a long time. Next take time to honor this part of you for the ways it has been caring for you. Finally, update this part of you about how it could adapt its’ strategy to better care for you at this current stage of your life. If the experience of fear feels overwhelming to you, try focusing your attention on your breath and your physical environment as a way to disengage from the fearful thoughts occupying your mind. Set the intention to be open and curious about the sensations you are experiencing while staying connected to your breath. If you’d like to learn more about Shadow Work® or mindfulness I recommend shadowwork.com or the books and teachings of Pema Chodron or Tara Brach.